Couldn't wait up any longer. Call in on your way up.

Any news ?

TO G. [Girlie=Marcella] Couldn't find a hot water bottle for your bed.

Your friend (I've forgotten her name) phoned. Sorry there's nothing but empty cake-tins and the larder's bare. Sorry about your bed. Don't know where the h.w. bottles are.

TO A. [Anthony] I'll be up betimes - big washing to do. Leave the car keys if I don't see you.

I'd like to wait up for you, but it's cold. Bring me up any ‘news'.

~

I've gone to bed - It seems the most sensible place for me to be this cold night. See you a.m. If you're not too late, call in to say "Hullo". I'll probably be reading.

M.

~

Anthony: 22.15 - I meant to wait up until you came in,

but it's so cold that I've gone to bed, with hot-water bottle. (Sorry, no supper!) Call in and bring me news.

I'll be awake. I shan't rise before 9 in the morning. I'll wash clothes in the morn. I hope.

22.30 It's so cold that I've gone to bed (frozen) but speak in to me. I'm sure I'll be awake. Close outer front door. I don't know where all the H.W. Bottles are.

Check greenhouse door. I may do the washing if I get up in time and if il fait beau.

Sorry for all the notes - just to keep in touch.

~

I've had tea and toast, which will serve me, adequately, until morning.

0715 But - I can't find my hot water bottle! and I'm cold.

~

Lovely morning!

Came down for a hot-water bottle, but can't find one, so have returned to warm (?) bed.

~

I’ll go to the Hospital to-morrow, some time. Ward nº... ?

[Probably mid-morning:] I forgot to turn your blanket on! Sorry. Where are the car keys?

~

I'm in bed. It's so cold, and I couldn't wait up any longer - but waken me if you have any news of Girlie that I should hear. Plans for to-morrow??

[overleaf] I may not be coherent - I'm talking to myself ! but I like to know what's going on around me.

*CAR IN GARAGE, I HOPE.

~

To Anthony: I’ve gone to bed - cold & lonely! Put the car in AND CLOSE THE GARAGE. Any news re Girlie?

I’ll be responsive - if only half awake. Sorry for all the scribbles.

~

[By the time of the first notes, her car had been sold three years. Her sister could not drive. (When Martha drove her car, I rode a motorbike. It was only after she stopped driving that I bought an old banger and took to four wheels.)

It had been at least two years since she had last operated the washing-machine or baked the delicious morning rolls which uplifted breakfasts in my rural home some 25 miles away. In recent years Marcella had done all the cooking, and Martha did the washing and made her own breakfast and breakfast-rolls, grinding dark-roast Java beans for coffee which she never offered her sister. She watered hersister's wine, too!

By this time she had ceased entirely to handle money: Her sister did all the normal shopping. I provided the coffee and the wine and I arranged for her to pay the hefty electricity bills by direct debit, following her sister's complaints that Martha paid for nothing.

Always aloof and independent, Martha was too proud to ask for lifts from friends to the golf club where she had also played Bridge, so her friends abandoned her. Her mind was, in any case, too addled to play Bridge with them any more. But her sister's social life intensified, with visits to old friends and the nearby Northern Ireland Blind Centre.

All my life Martha had dressed lightly with V-necked blouses. She had a summer duvet on her bed all year. But, as the notes show, she began to feel cold even in bed with the electric blanket on, and the whereabouts of her water-bottle became a constant concern.

Sometimes I found it on the hot-water tank, sometimes under her bed. When the weather got cold I put another duvet on her bed.

But her coldness was also due to her getting up or staying up in the small hours of the morning when the heating was off - and/or turning off the heating. In many or the notes 'cold' is code for 'unhappy' - at not being in control of her life, and refusing to admit it.

I have kept her original punctuation and spelling.

The tilde ~ indicates a separate piece of paper, and each new paragraph indicates a separate entry.]

It came apart in my hand. Can it be mended?
I did not drop it. I've returned to my warm bed for a spell, with a cuppa.
M.
- Bonne Nuit.

I couldn't cope with the baking tin at this hour.

Put TEA on the shopping list. I won't need nothin' till the morn - if then!

~

To Anthony: I'll boil dish cloth demain. If I'm spared thru this cold night. "My resistance is low."

Sorry for all the notes. I'll wait up until 22.00 [scored out]

23.00 h.

Gute Nacht at 2300 h.

[The times given may or may not have been correct: she kept forgetting to wind her trusty Russian watch, and sometimes changed the clocks in the house to agree with her stopped timepiece.]

~

No need to arouse me. I prefer breakfast alone. Your plans for to-day?

I may need the car to go to Belvoir [The golf club]. Leave the keys.

[There is] NO COFFEE!!!!

~

Good morning!

That's a raw-looking morning: I've gone back to my warm bed - with a cuppa tea. I'm scared of lightning.

Hope the car was under cover - wherever it is. Leave the car for me: I have plans, too - and remove washing: it doesn't add to the décor.

Washing in bucket? Supposed to be wet or dry ?

Hang it out.

~

Anthony, Car in garage, I hope - Call in if you have anything interesting to say.

How's Girlie? Does she want aught?

Good night! I think I'll have to hibernate.

Very little milk, I'm sorry to say. Don't know where it went.

[overleaf] Little of anything (heat in particular)- sorry! Don't know where the milk disappeared to. Now no hot water bottle!!!

~

I may not arise in the morning - not that it will make any difference. I might as well not be here at all. OVER

[overleaf] Where has all the coffee gone? Haven't had a decent cup all day. Excuse the notes, but I just find out things as I go along! Firstly: where are all the hot-water bottles? I can't find mine, and I'm frozen - cold bed, too. And where has all the coffee gone? Haven't had a decent cuppa all day. I suppose I may go to a café tomorrow !

~

Anthony: Make me a cup of good coffee, and bring a cup with you, & cheer me with news of the big wide world.

~

Can't find a Hot-water bottle & I'm so cold I could weep. So back to bed, cold feet and all, & no toast.

Don't destroy this paper - there's a letter from Ken [her cousin in Canada] on the other side. [dated 1992]

M.

No toast and no Hot Water Bottle.

~

Sorry about the fire. It decided to go out, & I couldn't stop it.

* I'll be down soon (I hope)

(God help us all)

Open a bottle of wine, Ant. (Choose from upstairs)

(repeat) I'll be down soon (I hope) - if I've thawed. OVER

[overleaf] Does one die quickly from cold? or is it lingering? Do you know who has the car? I didn't lend it, but it's not in the garage nor on the street.

DON'T LEND THE CAR TO ANYONE.

~

GIRLIE: Fill a hot-water bottle for me, if you can find one! They (hot-water-bottles) seem to have disappeared. Why should I have to do without a H.W.B. ?

I'm tired of hunting for Hot-Water Bottles. What about a roll-call, to establish how many are in use?

~

A hot-water-bottle is to me a necessity with my poor circulation - so let's see how many are in use, and we'll apportion them! None down here. OVER

[overleaf] Let's have a "roll-call" of Hot-Water bottles.
*** All to be produced for counting - and if you find a hot water bottle in your bed at night do bring it down in morning.

~

Are there any stray hot-water bottles lurking anywhere? I can't put my hands on one, and how I need it! I've gone to bed proper COLD.

[overleaf] Search your beds etc., and I hope some one will find me at least one; otherwise I'll freeze stiff! What a 'to-do'! over some one's carelessness.

[Her sister was in hospital at this time, and there were three hot-water bottles being mislaid and found by Martha. I and my helpmeet Malcolm visited frequently.

Home helps came in to rake out and light the fire and to give her a snack. One ("The Slut') would bring her up a boiled egg and sit at the end of her bed for half an hour cheerfully chatting. Malcolm and/or I made tasty vegetarian evening meals, while the home-helps brought undated chicken or ham sandwiches.

Because home-helps seem to be fixated on feeding the inactive old, and because of her absent short-term memory. Martha sometimes had three or four breakfasts a day, and started to put on weight - so much so that when the next episode of getting dressed occurred, her slacks did not fit her. At one point we found her out walking with her slacks sliding down her legs. We went out and bought six nice pairs of size 16 in charity shops.

Her behaviour tended to form episodes. For weeks she would be dressed only in pyjamas and a dressing-gown, whether she was in bed most of the day, or up and about, or up and about most of the night. Then, for several days, she would get up in the mornings and dress herself, and occasionally go out for walks. In the periods when her sister was at bome, Marcella would persecute her for not getting up, and would complain bitterly at ber constant, infuriating rendition of ditties such as "Just a Song at Twilight", "Among my Souvenirs", "All my life I'll be your Valentine", and her favourite, "Count your Blessings".

They found each other hard to bear. Marcella was driven to distraction by Martha’s constant reading aloud of the headlines and the advertisements in the local free paper.

But Marcella went, or was taken out by friends, somewhere five or six days a week, giving Martha plenty of space, if she got up, to indulge in other compulsive behaviour, such as constantly wiping formica surfaces with a cloth. She had no sense of time and, if her sister was not close by, never knew where Marcella was when her friends phoned. Even when she had been away for weeks, in hospital and respite care; even after the funeral, Martha would say to anyone who phoned: "Girlie's gone out somewhere."

Sometimes she turned off the heating, but generally the house was warm, especially when the fire was lit, as it was nearly every day, even in the cool Irish summer, when the following batch of notes was written.

While the neighbours at one side kept unforgivably aloof, and never once came in to see how either sister was (let alone a hospital visit), Carol next door on the other side (who, as Marcella observed, 'didn't have her troubles to seek' with sons expensively brought up in the unappealing image of their boorish father, who worked in Dublin and came up at weekends) kept a watchful eye and brought in treats and meals, and reported anything untoward to me. Neighbours three doors up were also extremely kind and supportive.]

Gladys Wilson, Social Services, rang with all kinds of personal questions about you, me and Anthony, etc. I think she's connected with Earlswood Home [a respite home where Marcella stayed for two weeks] - Well, I'm not going into a Home - at least for some time. So discourage her.

[overleaf] Miss Wilson called again! Who the Hell is poking their noses into our affairs ? When I'm ready for a HOME I'll make my own arrangements (for a place in Cyprus). Discourage Social Services on my behalf.

~

[Social Workers suggested first that she might like to go into a residential home, then, realising that she would have to be drugged to be got there, suggested a 'little holiday' - i.e. a week’s "assessment" in an institution. These "assessments" so disorientate the old that they become permanent, of course. Martha’s idea of a 'little holiday' was a nmonth in Limassol, so they gave up on that, too.]

If you could lay hands on a hot-water bottle for me I'd be very grateful. Can't find one, and I'm frozen! Back to warm bed!

0850. I think "Social Workers" just nosey old things. Keep them away from me. I certainly will never contemplate a home here.
***Why can't I just be left in peace in my own bed and surroundings. When I'm ready it will be the Miramare Hotel in Limassol among friends (and no social workers in sight, just nice friendly Greeks).

I've had a cup of tea and returned to bed, miserably cold. Don't need anything - unless you can find a hot water bottle. Some have disappeared. the things that disappear – incredible !!!

~

I've had a little tea and cereal and gone back to my warm bed. Should do for a while. Any news? Shall now fill hot water bottle. (over)
If Anthony comes, a little wine in my boudoir would be very welcome s'il vous plaît.

~

Anthony: I didn't know if you'd be late, or if you are coming home at all - so I've retired as it's very cold and lonely. Call in, dear, as you pass

~

I'm in bed. I think Anthony is also. Don't know about the visitors.
[Malcolm and I found this note when we came back one night from dinner with friends.]

~

I'm still in bed. I let the workmen in and they seem busy. I think they'd like to talk to someone sensible.
[This refers to speculative roof-repairers who cleared off when they realised that they were unlikely to be paid.]
I'm too cold to stay up. 'Bed' seems more tempting. Can't find a hot water bottle.

~

These men asked permission to go on roof. I don't know who sent them but I've let them go ahead. I can't check what they're doing.

Later. There's a chap checking slates on roof - he asked permission, which I gave. I'll be responsible. I can't supervise him.

~

ANTHONY: Come and talk to me for a few seconds, and bring me news of your 'goings-on' in the big wide world! (Some wine ?) Even the radio is hardly worth listening to - (maybe it's not tuned in properly) anyway, come up, if only to say "Hullo" - and not to say I'd be better up !!!

~

I may not get up in the morning,as I am feeling bloody awful tonight. Goodnight. M
Funny smell ???

~

I've tried "getting-up" but it's so cold; so I'm back in bed with no hot-water bottle, for a while. Hope to sleep, "perchance to dream". (Have a hunt around for wandering hot-water bottles.)

[overleaf] To Anthony - There's no wine in fridge, unfortunately. Produce a bottle (if you can) - probably from the attic (and open it in my room) [to prevent her sister from having any] I haven't felt so cold - even at South Pole!
Yours miserably,
Martha.

On second thoughts, I'll bring a bottle to my room and you can open it there and we'll "have a party".

[Since it was only after I had amassed a corpus of these undated notes that I decided to transcribe them for publication, I (who have very bad long-term memory and can recall only a few things before last year!) I can't rcmcmber if this was the period when Martha was drinking a lot of wine and hiding thc bottles, which we would find in unlikely places, somctimes half-full. Later, she couldn't get it together sufficiently to fetch wine from the case (which I brought downstairs for her convenience) and open it herself. Remarkably, her sister, otherwise very fit and practical, had never extracted a cork in her life.

I rarely had any "news" that either sister was interested in, since my life as a drop-out poet and painter was pretty well beyond their comprehension. In the seventies and early eighties, Martha had financed and provided transport for my research excursions to ancient sites in Ireland and Romanesque churches in France, Spain and Portugal. Because of lifelong sibling rivalry, Marcella was excluded, and excluded herself from these splendid trips. But when they stopped with the publication of my book on "obscene" sculptures on mediæval churches, Martha's interest in my doings naturally declined...]

~

Anthony, mon cher, You're late! Say "goodnight" as you pass by my door. I'll probably grunt something unintelligible. But at least I'll know you're in, and I can sleep peacefully. 'S true! If you'd been a bit earlier we might have supped together - I don't know what we are doing to-morrow - we usually visit you!! But that's not on the cards - or is it ? Dormez bien, mon cher. Marthe. Je n'ai pas le bon santé aujourd'hui. Toujours le mal de la tête. Excuse the buttery marks. Gute Nacht.

[She had, up to about 4 years before her sister died, driven them both (very slowly) the 30 miles (48 km) to my remote, rustic and decaying old farmhouse for vegetarian lunch and crisp white wine on Sundays.
Although Martha's spelling was generally impeccable, her grasp of French was tenuous, and she never learned to use the second person singular, nor, of course, terms of endearment.]

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